Well that's $50 down the drain...

Chalk up another expense to exhaustion...


We had to board my cat for two days, to let the pest control chemicals evaporate for a bit. (I seem to be the only one amused by instructions begging you to keep your pet away for two days, but you can come on back after three hours. I swear PETA writes these things.)


When it was time to pick her up, I was so addled with exhaustion, I couldn't remember where her carrier was. So I just drove slowly/carefully for the mile and a half back to the apartment. And was rewarded with a big ole crap in the backseat.


I removed the actual offenders, but was too fatigued to actually organize a cleaning effort. My malaise continued until Sunday night, at which point I had to clean it up because I was picking Tim up the next day. So I opened up the back door, doused it in cleaning stuff and left it, as the instructions demanded.


The problem? I'm about 99 percent sure I didn't lock the door.


First thing we noticed was the remote was gone. It was a $25 deposit. But we thought perhaps I had just brought it in the apartment with me by accident. Then we went to get the office chair out of the trunk. The one that had been there for, like, a week and we just hadn't remembered to bring in. Except now, it wasn't there anymore.


I think someone noticed the door was unlocked and that the back seat pulls down. That exposed the office chair (still in box) and they helped themselves. It explains why no one took the small bag of miscellaneous office supplies up front: Accessing the trunk from the back seat, the bag wouldn't have been visible.


I'm pissed, too, because we waited for a good mesh chair to go on sale. (In case Tim needs to do phone work from home, the mesh will keep air circulating and prevent his skin from breaking out unduly.) I guess it's back to watching Staples sales.


Meanwhile, two $25 items are gone. Irretrievable. All because I just don't have the stamina of a normal person.


Don't get me wrong, my fatigue costs us in tons of ways that I've accepted and dealt with. I don't hit as many sales as I would like, because I have to apportion my energy to be sure other things get done. I sometimes pay a little bit in library fees because I'm too tired to get a book back on the due date. Little stuff.


But this one is new -- and pricey, at that. Especially considering that I'm normally a door-locking zealot.


I'm off to go stare at the empty spot in the office where a chair should be.

Quick frugal tip: Meal substitution

We're all stressed out and many of us are upset and fearful about the economy. Which means, like me, you're probably extra tired.


There's no problem with that, but I can tell you (and I think we can all agree I'm an expert) that fatigue and depression make it hard to do day-to-day chores. For me, one of the first things to go is food.


When you're upset and feeling powerless, it's easy to give in to convenience. You know you shouldn't -- that you could quickly fix yourself something cheaply. But it suddenly seems like too much work.


About 6 years ago, I was at my lowest point, physically. I left the house maybe twice a week. Everything exhausted me and I spent a lot of the day sleeping. Getting to the grocery store a mile away (without a car) was miraculous.


So I invested in Slim-Fast shakes. Not the greatest tasting, but it meant I didn't have to worry about two of my three meals for the day. When I have to figure all meals out, I get anxious and that tires me out further.


I have since abandoned the practice in favor of a healthy cereal, Kashi Go Lean Crunch. But, upon hearing about Tim's sugary cereal, our trainer Elston recently recommended a healthy meal substitution.


GNC Pro Performance has a whey protein shake. The chocolate is actually pretty tasty. If you use chilled water, it tastes kind of like a thin chocolate shake. Otherwise, it just tastes like hot chocolate that's cooled off.


I like it because it's fast and easy. I was running late for my training session. So I opted for it instead of my cereal. It took me about a minute to make and about 40 seconds to drink. Great for when you're pressed for time. And I got 20 grams of protein from that drink, with almost no sugar.


If I were going to substitute it for an entree, I would probably use two scoops, since there's only 130 calories in each serving. (Don't forget: Calories are units of energy, not just things to avoid.) Then I'd have some fruit or something else to round out the meal.


Obviously, the GNC stuff is just one of many brands you can try. I like it because it's low in sugar, so I don't crash an hour later. I have also tried Glucerna, though I wasn't crazy about the taste.


Most of meal-replacement shakes (at least the ones I've tried) have tastes you have to get used to. By the third or fourth time, you're usually pretty accustomed to their version of chocolate. The GNC stuff probably would have been good on the first try, but we were using too much water, which dilutes the taste.


My (sugar-conscious) favorites are the Zone bars, followed by Cliff. Zone makes a mean mint chocolate bar. It's almost like candy, but with a good balance on sugar. There are also protein bars, as well. My favorite (that don't have a ton of sugar, anyway) are the Zone bars, particularly the mint chocolate.


For some of you, a 260-calorie breakfast is too small. That's fine. The 130-calorie one I had only lasted me around 90 minutes -- long enough to get to the training session, through it and back home. Just because I mention calories doesn't mean I'm advocating you strip your diet down.


In fact, I really loathe programs like Jenny Craig, though a couple of friends have seen terrific results from it. They'd have to. Why? Because if you follow the program instructions, you live on 1200 calories a day.


Think that doesn't sound so bad? The average 160 lb person burns that lying in bed all day.


So, yeah... Not healthy! Most regular-sized people who want to lose a little weight should, as far as I can tell from my dealings with those-in-the-know, shoot for no fewer than 1500 calories.


If you're one of those normal-sized people who eats like a normal person, you might not be crazy about replacing a meal. But these things can still be useful from a frugal standpoint. That's because these make good snacks.


Most of the time, when you're considering what to eat, you're already hungry. If it's dinner, you're probably tired from the day. Like shopping when you're hungry, it's a no-no to try to decide meals while you're stomach's rumbling.


Instead, have a shake or bar or whatever. This will stop the immediacy of the hunger and probably up your energy a bit. Then you can do a more realistic assessment of plausible homemade food.


And starting with a shake or bar means you won't be fainting from hunger when the meal's ready. This will help you eat a more sensibly sized portion, which will leave leftovers. That helps you stretch your food dollar, meaning you can spend less at the grocery store.

Crying in a supermarket

It's amazing how uncomfortable people get when you are crying in public. Very strange, really. We all feel so awkward, don't we?


I mean, it's not as though any of us are new to the concept of bawling. But it's as though the person just became highly contagious. People are afraid to approach you.


As you may have guessed from the title, I had a minor breakdown today at Albertsons. And the only reason I was even able to get my butt into Albertsons was because my mom drove me. Talk about feeling mature.


I was so tired that the new layout confused me. It's been this way for about three months, but I'm still adjusting to it. And today I kept looking for things in their old spots.


We'd only made it about three aisles over -- having successfully added milk to the cart -- when I was looking at salsa. We needed some. But Albertsons charges $8.49 for a big bottle of salsa. About two blocks up the street, at Sam's Club, the same stuff is under $4.


So I stood there, looking at the list, looking at the price, list, price, list, price. And all I could think is that I didn't want to take another step. So how could I make it up to Sam's Club? But I also couldn't pay almost $5 more when the cheaper stuff was two blocks away. And I couldn't get it another time: We needed it for that night's dinner.


I went to look at pasta, because it was too depressing to be looking at salsa I couldn't buy. And that's when the waterworks started. I was exhausted, I wanted to be at home, and I couldn't even get something as simple as salsa.


Part of this reaction was simple fatigue. Between the contract work, the blog and Tim's job stuff, there's been a lot going on. The lack of job weights heavily on Tim, as does not knowing what he wants to do.


Partially because of the stress from this (my opinion), his ADD has been worse. He keeps getting very single-minded. He's been more impulsive, which means I have to put the brakes on more often and keep him from buying when he's in these modes. It's just a lot to handle.


Also, it has meant that he latches on to ideas and won't let go -- until the slightest snag shows up. Then he's ready to quit. The snag, of course, has to be something he discovers. My comments don't penetrate. So, he went off half-cocked about medical coding; a month later he's finally finding some logistical problems. Like, he hadn't realized that he'd have to take anatomy courses to do medical coding.


It's all a tad maddening; but I am trying to restrain my temper and be supportive. I remember how painful it was when I first stopped working. It's hard on the ego.


If you think about everything that is tied into careers: We ask little kids what they want to be when they grow up; one of the first questions people ask is what you do (not even for a living, just what you do); we ascribe certain traits to certain fields of work and certain income levels.


So anyway, I've been trying to learn to be the patient, good wife. Especially because in the past I've certainly not been patient. But it really does take a toll, doesn't it?


We had a couple long talks today and I think we've reached a point where he's going to try to be more conscious of his impulsivity.


And we're going to wait to hear from the vocational rehab center before we do any more planning. Those people can help him find a career he can do. And frankly, all our attempts just end in exhaustion, depression and general malaise.


Still, it's all very frustrating. I get up, do some of my work, take a break for breakfast, then go back. Suddenly, it's the middle of the afternoon -- even though the work is only supposed to take about 2 hours it actually takes 3-4 -- and I've only done a bit on my own blog. No errands have been done and we still have to figure out dinner.


And so I found myself bleary-eyed and at the grocery store. I didn't want to take another step. Not even to go sit down. I just wanted my bed to magically appear and cushion me. But I couldn't. Because we didn't have salsa. Or a magical, teleporting bed.


It's so exhausting trying to act like a normal person. I've even scaled my expectations way back. But there's still things I don't get around to. Lately it feels like I blink and the day is mostly over, along with my energy.


Most of the time, I let this roll off my back. I remind myself that I can't change it. But once in awhile, it just hits me, how relentless this is all is. It's not going to stop.


I know this sounds silly, but I'm still a little shocked that it's been a decade of this and I'm still so far from acceptance. More silly: I sort of half expected I'd get a break at such a big milestone.


I know it's illogical, ridiculous even. I knew it wouldn't really happen. But it still seemed so plausible. I keep thinking that if only disability were a relay race, I could handle it. If I knew that I only had to go to a certain point, I could make it there.


But there's no end in sight. No one will come up and take the fatigue for a few years.


If they did, I would come back. Not gladly, but I would. If only I could have a few years of good, old-fashioned wage earning. If I could actually affect my financial future. Then I would come back for another long haul.


I think the impetus of this particular mood -- or perhaps just the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel's back -- was reading an article on Friday about science. The article said a scientist has determined a way to get muscles to better stave off fatigue.


This may very well be pertinent to me. To condense what I understand of the articles on Guillain-Barre, essentially some nerves were damaged and regrew quickly, rather than properly. So they are inefficient and make the muscles have to work harder to compensate. So something like this could actually have some promise.


I felt so hopeful for a minute. Then I realized: This was still in a lab somewhere. Not even a pharmaceutical lab. Just a university.


Even assuming they could miraculously come out with a medicine from this compound in the next five years, there would still be years of getting FDA approval. So likely it will be at least a decade before anything is even available.


After that, everything has seemed a little harder.


So what does this all mean? I wish my ramblings had some deep import or conveyed an important message that everyone could take heart from.


In this case, though, I think it's just that it really sucks to be disabled.


It's funny: you don't ever really think that you expect life to be fair -- until it dumps a bunch of "unfair" all over you. Then you just bleat out the injustice of it, even if you know there's no point.


I wish I could say that I accept my limitations with a quiet, dignified serenity. But the truth is, I often come home and hide under the covers, hugging some stuffed animals, until Tim comes and talks me out. (Why do we think that covers protect us from monsters, let alone wordly affairs? It's a mystery I've never sorted out. But I do feel awfully safe huddled up.)


So I'm not the epitome of grace under pressure. I'm a depressive with energy limitations, which means double the emotionality and grumpiness. It means that I'm often quite a handful to be around.


It means that my limitations don't make me into some Lifetime movie with a happy ending of triumph over a disability. I won't win gold medals or even a local race. I will be lucky to be able to work steady part-time work.


And, sometimes, that just has to be enough. Because it's all I have. It's far from perfect. It's nothing like what I pictured as a kid. But it's a life and it's the only one I've got. So I pick it up and make do with it -- even if I don't always make the best of it.


Because I'm human.


Because I'm disabled.


Because I'm the kind of person who cries in supermarkets.

The basics

Okay, well this is the first post. A lot of pressure on me to be witty and such, especially since I just watched Lewis Black's "Root of All Evil" wherein blogging was made fun of.

On the chance that people actually read this -- which would imply this isn't the navel-gazing exercise I suspect it may be -- I suppose I had better fill in the broad strokes from the profile.

Yes, this is a frugality blog. Yes, my husband and I are paying down debt. That, at least, is probably familiar territory to many of you.

Here's where it gets a little, uh, unique. First, my husband's medical condition. Tim has really severe eczema, which he's had literally since the day he was born. Most doctors say it's the worst case they've ever seen. And if a flare-up gets particularly bad, he can often not stand to wear clothes.

More recently, he's been battling MRSA which (of course) loves eczema patches. He's had about 8 or 9 breakouts in the past 6 months. Between the two conditions, Tim's health made him miss so much work that his employer had to let him go.

So he's working on getting healthy again and trying to figure out what sort of work he could do, since eczema breakouts are bound to occur. (I'm encouraging him to look into the local vocational rehabilition center.)

As for me, well, mine goes back a long way too. When I was 19, I contracted a rare neurological illness called Guillain-Barre Syndrome

I won't go into the gory details (that's what the link is for) but suffice to say my case was severe and it left me with pervasive fatigue. I am on some medication which helps, but only to a certain degree.

Now, I know I shouldn't care about naysayers who will inevitably write in and say I'm a slacker or a drain on the system. But it's a touchy point. So let me be clear: When I say medication helps, I mean that when I take it, I no longer wake up and spend the first few hours of my day in an exhausted fog, fighting not to go back to bed, then giving up and taking a nap somewhere around 2 or 3 p.m. The medication means that most days I'm physically able to leave the apartment. And, often, I can run two or three errands in a day. Running three errands in a day, along with perhaps a walk for exercise, is an exceedingly productive day for me. And if I push myself too far, I become so exhausted that it seems like too much energy to chew, even if I'm hungry. If I really overdo an activity, I can become so tired that it hurts to breathe.

That said, I'm convinced there is work out there that I can do steadily for pay, because besides the fact that disability doesn't cover much more than rent, I miss the empowerment of earning a paycheck.

As for debt, we have under $2000 in his student loans left (this is down from $20,000 when we first met, thanks to deals with collection agencies, a loan from his parents, and general grit and determination on our part) but $10,000 on credit cards. $7000 of that is on a temporary 0% but it is still a lot more than I am comfortable with.

Currently, we're using hubby's unemployment checks to pay down debt. Out of a weekly $341, we pay $100 on the credit cards each week and $200 on the student loans every other week. (And yes, I know that's the same as $100 every week, but hubby insists this system works best for him.)

So that is the basic sketch of our lives. I hope I haven't made anyone run for the hills with all the talk of health conditions. I'm looking forward to posting about our progress and our life as this adventure continues. I hope I can snare some readers along the way to share the journey.