Sorry, folks, I know some of you are waiting for the second part of the "frugal hacks" post. It's done. I just keep finding other things I want to talk about. But I will post it soon.
In the meantime, I know I haven't been terribly chatty lately. Or, at least, I feel like I haven't. A lot has been going on for me and I wanted a little perspective before I shared.
Last Saturday, we went to a friend's 30th birthday party. We found out his wife (who was one of my bridesmaids, her husband one of the groomsmen) is pregnant and due in March.
Of course, I'm happy for them. They'll make fabulous parents. But at the party, most of the people there were workers in good- to high-paying fields. Most of the couples were two-income. And the friends' house is pretty nice, even if it is a bit out in a suburb.
I just started thinking about the ease with which everyone else seems to live. I know that's not fair -- every person's life has its own kind of hardship. But Tim and I are a bit weary and I've been trying to do too much lately. (Plus, as my therapist later pointed out, I'd been kind of isolated at home between work and blogging and sorting Magic cards. So it was a bit of a shock to the system to be trying to socialize.)
I just started feeling overwhelmingly sad. And angry. Or perhaps jealous is the right word. I don't know. I just sat there, watching the guests play Wii and listening to them chattering about their own Wii at home, or their jobs or whatever... And I just couldn't take it anymore.
I was able to get to the bathroom before the tears started, so it wasn't too bad. Then I just caught Tim's eye and told him to make excuses for me. I couldn't talk to him until we got home. I was afraid to start crying while driving.
Once we were home, though, I still couldn't really explain it. I was just tired. Tired of everything being so hard. And everything feeling so overwhelming. The fact is that it will take Tim and I at least a couple more years before we can even start thinking about a baby. We'll get there, but it's frustrating when you're confronted with other people's financial padding. Even though you know you're as smart as they are but won't make the same kind of money.
Probably needless to say, this was the deciding vote for whether I needed to go talk to my doctor about my medication levels. I kept getting teary for three or four days afterward, whenever I'd so much as think about the baby.
So Monday came around and the doctor ended up putting me on a THIRD medication. Turns out I'm much higher on my Effexor (which I've been on the longest) than he's comfortable with. Plus I'm on Wellbutrin for anxiety and depression. Now we're trying out Lexapro.
It was hard to stomach. I hate being on so many pills and so adding another isn't exactly palatable. But at least for now, it seems necessary. Sunday was especially bad and after quarrelling with Tim, I bawled my eyes out -- I mean non-stop, heaving cries -- for at least 20-30 minutes. All I know is, I think it was the longest I'd ever cried. And it wasn't about anything in particular. It was just that ache in the middle of your body, compiled-sadness and hopelessness sort of thing. Scary stuff.
The doc also wanted to do a blood draw in case some of this was my thyroid. He kept asking was my marriage okay, any major life changes. I said no, just that it's been forever since I've changed my meds. And while I often have cyclical downturns, this one wasn't going away.
Saturday and Sunday, I felt so precarious. I felt like all of my emotions were in this egg inside me with the thinnest of shells. And it took nothing to crack it and have them all come spilling out.
So I went in and got blood drawn. Apparently, I hadn't had enough to drink that day. She had major trouble getting a vein, which never happens with me. She ended up having to take from my left arm. She kept apologizing because she said it was going to bruise. But I bruise easily so I reassured her it was no big deal.
Yeah. You ever feel like a walking metaphor? I felt so fragile that weekend. Later Monday afternoon, a nasty-looking bruise was forming. But Tuesday morning, I woke up to find that it looked like someone had spilled wine on my arm. Tim took a picture for posterity. (There's too much flash, so picture it about two or three shades darker than what you see here.)
Let me just remind you this is from one poke.
It's since turned all sorts of interesting shades and is yellowing out. But it just reminds me that this isn't my normal downturn.
Clearly, I'm having a particularly bad time on a few fronts. I need to go back to taking my daily vitamins, need to start sitting in front of mom's SAD light and need to suck it up and get used to being on three meds for awhile.
And so with all this in mind, despite it being too early for Thanksgiving, I would like to draw your attention to "The Bad Old Days?"
by Frugal Zeitgeist.
Amid all the negativity of the markets and economy and Congress and politics, she thinks we should take a moment and try to think of 10 things that are going right in our lives.
Here's my entry (I'm realizing that I don't think you all know about #7, but it more or less explains itself: I spent a couple years as a landlord. I'm telling you, I've done a lot of stuff...) :
1. I'm a newlywed so I'm still in that amazement stage. That's fun and exciting.
2. We finally finished off hubby's student loans.
3. Despite a lot of inner turmoil, I kept it together enough to go to a doctor when my depression started to worsen, before things got dire and talk to him about my medication levels.
4. The new levels are starting to even me out, I think.
5. My husband is a wonderful individual who accepts that I am a depressive and pretty calmly is there for me when I freak out at him or the world.
6. I'm (slowly) learning to live within my limitations and not spend all my energy fighting them. (I live with chronic fatigue, but am a Type A personality.)
7. I was in the housing market (with a loan I probably shouldn't have qualified for) but got out around four years ago. And it was enough to pay off my mortgage, my student loans (which was what the original downpayment was supposed to have been for) and pay back my mom who had lent me money.
8. I'm finally working a small part-time job, which means there's a light at the end of the tunnel of being on disability.
9. I'm still finding time to keep up the blog I started.
10 After only two months, I have 90 subscribers (yay!)
I want to encourage you guys to join in this and think up your own ten things. Shoot for ten and if you can't get that far, just be glad that you don't have to type as much, I guess. (Yeah, I'm playing Pollyanna's glad game... Don't tease the depressive, folks!)
Labels: depression, optimism