Everything's amazing and nobody's happy

Many of you have probably already seen this clip -- whether on TV, on Brunette on a Budget, or as it skyrocketed to Digg fame.


But I wanted to show it again to those of you who might of missed its other incarnations. For a couple of reasons.

Reason #1: This is the fourth or fifth time I've watched it (had to sit a couple different people down to be sure they actually watched it) and I'm still giggling maniacally. Reason#2: It is actually excellent food for thought.


Before I get into that, though, I'll go ahead and let you check out the clip.





Okay, are we all on the same page now? Excellent.


The fact is that Mr. CK is absolutely correct. Yes, the economy is terrible. We're living in scary times. But, really, we are living with amazing, mind-blowing innovations that keep getting better all the time.


Whether or not you think we consume too much (we do) and are overly encouraged to live outside our means (we are), you have to admit that these are fascinating times.


We have absolutely awesome technology at our fingertips. And we take most of it for granted.


This was a good nudge for me because Tim and I have been in a funk for a week or so now. You probably noticed I haven't been posting as much as usual. I have a few ideas in my head, but writing anything halfway decent has felt like a painful extraction.


We have some good reasons for being in a funk. The student loan debacle is continuing to be a blow. The last couple of weeks, we haven't been able to make any dent in our credit card debt. And, Tim got the news that he may be bipolar.


That one has been big. It obviously sounds pretty ominous. Really, it's a different form of depression, more prone to cycles. For Tim it mainly shows up in impulsivity -- sometimes he's fine, other times it's all I can do to keep him from storming out the door on a mission -- and sleep -- he'll sleep whenever possible, then will barely get any rest.


But Tim's also dealing with all the feelings that come with a new diagnosis for old symptoms: Why didn't someone see this earlier; why couldn't everyone see I wasn't getting better?


Of course, the answer is that ADD was still a brand new idea -- when he was diagnosed, ADHD wasn't even known about. And when Ritalin didn't work, they just shrugged and got him in a program where, luckily, there was a very patient teacher who taught him to block out all the excess noise that distracted him. That helped to an extent, but he self-medicated through most of his youth, and his parents just kept insisting he was smarter than the grades he was getting. Overall, pretty demoralizing.


So, Tim's caseworker over at the Dept of Vocational Rehab has told us we need to focus on getting him on an even keel. That means finding a psychiatrist (or psychiatric nurse) that Tim is comfortable with. Then we can find out for sure whether he's bipolar. After that, they'll explore medication options.


All that will probably take awhile, which was something of a hit for us. We had been exploring some options that would at least let Tim do some phone work from home. It wouldn't make us rich by any stretch of the imagination, but he was kind of looking forward to earning a paycheck.


In the meantime, we have about 9 weeks left before his unemployment runs out. There is a chance he'll qualify for one more extension, which would give us an extra 13 weeks of breathing room. If that doesn't happen, we can make do, but it will be somewhat tight.


Because of all this, we've been just barely scraping by, physically and emotionally. We're completely sapped by the most basic chores. We're both sleeping more. Essentially, we're just trying to make it through. Like I said, things have been kind of hard.


And so I saw this clip. And I laughed. That, in and of itself, is such a big deal. But it also reminded me that we need to remember the good in and among the bad.


This is a big, scary, uncertain time for us -- and for the nation in general. We don't know what the future holds (other than some psychiatist visits) or when Tim will be able to work again. It's worrying.


But.


We also have an amazing support system. Our families will always welcome us with open arms. They will always do everything they can to help. My mom has and will help us financially, though we hope we can avoid future borrowing. And if it ever became necessary, we could move in with Tim's parents.


Again, that's a worst-case scenario. But we won't ever be homeless. That's a pretty big load off our minds.


More immediately, seeing a psychiatrist will help Tim get some answers. Uncertainty can be hugely unsettling. So, no matter what the answer, just knowing will be a good start to making life easier.


Once he has an official diagnosis, Tim can also start getting properly medicated. As a depressive, I can attest to what a difference the right prescription can make. Life becomes less of a struggle. He may also have fewer swings in mood and behavior, which will make things easier for both of us.


The right medication may also help Tim's stress tolerance. Right now, it's pretty low, and so his skin flares up in reaction to difficulties and uncertainties. If he can tolerate more stress, his skin may calm down more. That could make it easier for him to find sustainable work opportunities.


We're not expecting miracles. We are prepared for the idea that Tim may never work full-time. He'll probably need to be eased into part-time employment. But it would be a measurable improvement. It would give him options.


So, yeah, there's a lot of bad things looming on the horizon. But that's only half of the picture. We have at least as many good possibilities as bad.


Most of us -- myself very much included -- tend to be overwhelmed by worry and uncertainty. We forget all of the modern marvels around us. And that makes the world pretty small. So I say, let's stop and just marvel at a few things that we all take for granted.

• We can get water from a faucet -- no going to the river with some buckets
• We don't have to build our own homes or make our own clothes
• We have machines to take us quickly from one location to another. By and large, walking is a choice in this society
  
• We can contact people simply by punching a few buttons -- either on a keyboard or phone
  
• We can talk to people around the world at near-instant speed
  
• We "post" thoughts on technology that most of us can't begin to understand: Can any of you explain what the web is, exactly, and how we can all access it, leave information on it, etc?
• We can get paid and pay our creditors without touching any money
• We can find information and entertainment practically instantly
  
• And (as a nod to Louis CK) we have made machines that defy gravity. Metal machines.

What about you guys? What stuff have you been struggling with? What small miracles (of technology or society) have you been overlooking?

It's a little early for Thanksgiving but...

Sorry, folks, I know some of you are waiting for the second part of the "frugal hacks" post. It's done. I just keep finding other things I want to talk about. But I will post it soon.

In the meantime, I know I haven't been terribly chatty lately. Or, at least, I feel like I haven't. A lot has been going on for me and I wanted a little perspective before I shared.

Last Saturday, we went to a friend's 30th birthday party. We found out his wife (who was one of my bridesmaids, her husband one of the groomsmen) is pregnant and due in March.

Of course, I'm happy for them. They'll make fabulous parents. But at the party, most of the people there were workers in good- to high-paying fields. Most of the couples were two-income. And the friends' house is pretty nice, even if it is a bit out in a suburb.

I just started thinking about the ease with which everyone else seems to live. I know that's not fair -- every person's life has its own kind of hardship. But Tim and I are a bit weary and I've been trying to do too much lately. (Plus, as my therapist later pointed out, I'd been kind of isolated at home between work and blogging and sorting Magic cards. So it was a bit of a shock to the system to be trying to socialize.)

I just started feeling overwhelmingly sad. And angry. Or perhaps jealous is the right word. I don't know. I just sat there, watching the guests play Wii and listening to them chattering about their own Wii at home, or their jobs or whatever... And I just couldn't take it anymore.

I was able to get to the bathroom before the tears started, so it wasn't too bad. Then I just caught Tim's eye and told him to make excuses for me. I couldn't talk to him until we got home. I was afraid to start crying while driving.

Once we were home, though, I still couldn't really explain it. I was just tired. Tired of everything being so hard. And everything feeling so overwhelming. The fact is that it will take Tim and I at least a couple more years before we can even start thinking about a baby. We'll get there, but it's frustrating when you're confronted with other people's financial padding. Even though you know you're as smart as they are but won't make the same kind of money.

Probably needless to say, this was the deciding vote for whether I needed to go talk to my doctor about my medication levels. I kept getting teary for three or four days afterward, whenever I'd so much as think about the baby.

So Monday came around and the doctor ended up putting me on a THIRD medication. Turns out I'm much higher on my Effexor (which I've been on the longest) than he's comfortable with. Plus I'm on Wellbutrin for anxiety and depression. Now we're trying out Lexapro.

It was hard to stomach. I hate being on so many pills and so adding another isn't exactly palatable. But at least for now, it seems necessary. Sunday was especially bad and after quarrelling with Tim, I bawled my eyes out -- I mean non-stop, heaving cries -- for at least 20-30 minutes. All I know is, I think it was the longest I'd ever cried. And it wasn't about anything in particular. It was just that ache in the middle of your body, compiled-sadness and hopelessness sort of thing. Scary stuff.

The doc also wanted to do a blood draw in case some of this was my thyroid. He kept asking was my marriage okay, any major life changes. I said no, just that it's been forever since I've changed my meds. And while I often have cyclical downturns, this one wasn't going away.

Saturday and Sunday, I felt so precarious. I felt like all of my emotions were in this egg inside me with the thinnest of shells. And it took nothing to crack it and have them all come spilling out.

So I went in and got blood drawn. Apparently, I hadn't had enough to drink that day. She had major trouble getting a vein, which never happens with me. She ended up having to take from my left arm. She kept apologizing because she said it was going to bruise. But I bruise easily so I reassured her it was no big deal.

Yeah. You ever feel like a walking metaphor? I felt so fragile that weekend. Later Monday afternoon, a nasty-looking bruise was forming. But Tuesday morning, I woke up to find that it looked like someone had spilled wine on my arm. Tim took a picture for posterity. (There's too much flash, so picture it about two or three shades darker than what you see here.)

Let me just remind you this is from one poke.

It's since turned all sorts of interesting shades and is yellowing out. But it just reminds me that this isn't my normal downturn.

Clearly, I'm having a particularly bad time on a few fronts. I need to go back to taking my daily vitamins, need to start sitting in front of mom's SAD light and need to suck it up and get used to being on three meds for awhile.

And so with all this in mind, despite it being too early for Thanksgiving, I would like to draw your attention to "The Bad Old Days?" by Frugal Zeitgeist.

Amid all the negativity of the markets and economy and Congress and politics, she thinks we should take a moment and try to think of 10 things that are going right in our lives.

Here's my entry (I'm realizing that I don't think you all know about #7, but it more or less explains itself: I spent a couple years as a landlord. I'm telling you, I've done a lot of stuff...) :

1. I'm a newlywed so I'm still in that amazement stage. That's fun and exciting.

2. We finally finished off hubby's student loans.

3. Despite a lot of inner turmoil, I kept it together enough to go to a doctor when my depression started to worsen, before things got dire and talk to him about my medication levels.

4. The new levels are starting to even me out, I think.

5. My husband is a wonderful individual who accepts that I am a depressive and pretty calmly is there for me when I freak out at him or the world.

6. I'm (slowly) learning to live within my limitations and not spend all my energy fighting them. (I live with chronic fatigue, but am a Type A personality.)

7. I was in the housing market (with a loan I probably shouldn't have qualified for) but got out around four years ago. And it was enough to pay off my mortgage, my student loans (which was what the original downpayment was supposed to have been for) and pay back my mom who had lent me money.

8. I'm finally working a small part-time job, which means there's a light at the end of the tunnel of being on disability.

9. I'm still finding time to keep up the blog I started.

10 After only two months, I have 90 subscribers (yay!)

I want to encourage you guys to join in this and think up your own ten things. Shoot for ten and if you can't get that far, just be glad that you don't have to type as much, I guess. (Yeah, I'm playing Pollyanna's glad game... Don't tease the depressive, folks!)