Giving the gift of debt

Photo by Eric Swanson

Tim's mom called us the other day to check in, and to wish him a happy birthday. (Four days and counting, for those of you watching your calendars.) She also informed him that she was dropping $100 into the account for the combination of Tim's birthday and our Christmas presents.


Tim's mom tends to give cash because she figures we can best decide what we want. In addition, it means she doesn't have to go out shopping. With her congestive heart failure, surgically repaired knees and bad hip, Nadine has trouble walking any real distance.


We definitely appreciate the influx of cash. Tim will take his $50 from the birthday money and probably buy himself a video game. Our combined Christmas money will probably go to cover any gap between our Swagbucks and the cost of the iPod Touch.


Still, as nice as it is to get money, I always feel weird taking gifts from Nadine. As I've mentioned before, Tim's parents are not in a good financial situation. They have exactly $0 in retirement funds. His mom is on disability and gets around $1,100 a month. But she won't get Medicare until this summer. Meanwhile, his dad is unemployed. So they are living on under $3,000 a month (and just their space rent is $500, who knows how much the mortgage is). They still owe money to the IRS, too, and some undisclosed amount to a credit card.


I think my hesitation is pretty understandable. I was raised to be frugal and careful with money. More to the point, I was raised to discourage gifts that I didn't think the person could afford. At the very least, to make it clear I wasn't asking for/expecting anything.


There are at least a couple of bloggers who have weighed in on this subject. One had a relative who, despite massive amounts of debt, always spends lavishly on gifts. She had mixed feelings about it.


Tim, on the other hand, has no qualms with accepting the money. He figures if someone wants to give us something, it's silly to turn it down. I'm sure it helps that his parents spend so much of their time, energy and money on his brother, Matt. I think Tim sees gifts as their chance to show him that they're willing to spend money on him, too. In addition, Tim's pretty sure that if they don't spend it on him, it will end up going to Matt one way or another.


I guess I understand this outlook. But it's hard for me to shut the guilt complex off. I just keep thinking of how much more Nadine probably needs this money. We're not doing well and, yeah, we have a lot of debt. But we have things to fall back on. She doesn't. She has to make the $1,100 last all month, while still paying some household bills and any of her own medical costs.


In the end, I suppose, it comes down to the usual lessons I have to learn:

1. I have far too much guilt and should just let things go sometimes.
   
2. I can't control other people or how they spend their money.
   
3. Just because they aren't the choices I would make, doesn't mean they are wrong.
   
4. It probably makes her happy to be able to give us something.
   

So once again I will probably be taking a cue from Tim and just enjoying the moment. I will thank her graciously and will be sure to tell her what the money ends up buying. That way, she can know just how helpful her gift was.


Do you have any similar situations in your own life? How do (or would) you handle them?

A clutterless Christmas

Okay, so a holiday being completely clutter-free is unlikely. But it may just be something we should shoot for.


Debt Hater was venting about getting well-intentioned, but ultimately unused/unwanted gifts from family and friends. Instead, why not just enjoy the experience of being with people you care about?


I agree with the overall sentiment, though my take on it is slightly more materialistic. I do still enjoy giving and receiving gifts. So my suggestion is to give experiences rather than things.


Let's face it, there's a lot of clutter that comes with the holidays.

1. Packaging: Most gifts come in lots of protection. There's the plastic cover or the cardboard box, plus the multitude of styrofoam to keep the item safe during shipping. Hopefully, the items will be recycled. But plenty of people don't bother with that sort of thing, which means landfills get bigger.
   
2. Gift wrap: Just in case all that weren't enough, we add to the problem by wrapping everything up in decorative paper. Plus bows and ribbons. There's a bunch more clutter right there.
3. Space: Whether or not the gift is any good, the fact is that it will take up space. (I have a hard time throwing away any gift. It's my overactive guilt complex. So even unwanted gifts stick around for 1-2 years, minimum.) As the items add up, clutter is inevitable.
   
4. Disposal: As a result of the season, you'll probably dispose of some things. You might be making room for the new stuff, or you might be getting rid of the gifts you don't like. Either way, things are getting tossed. We can all hope these things are donated to charity, given away on Freecycle or sold on eBay/Craigslist. But the reality is that a lot of items will just be tossed in the trash. So, once again, landfills expand as a result of our consumerism.
   

So whether you give a good gift or not, there's a good chance it will create clutter. Still not convinced? Between Thanksgiving Day and New Year's Day, Americans waste an extra 1,000,000 tons. Not just 1,000,000 tons in this 5-6 week span. No, an extra 1,000,000 tons. Horrified yet?


Oh, and for all of you who are smugly insisting that it's okay because you buy store gift cards? Well, most gift cards turn into physical things: clothes, electronics, home decor, jewelry. All things that may or may not get used, but all of which will probably get dumped rather than recycled.


Please don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that we should give up all normal presents. But how much of a difference would it make if, each year, we gave one or two presents that were experiences rather than things? I have absolutely no idea, but I'm betting the change would be considerable.


So what can you give? There are a lot of options:

• Massages: A personal favorite of mine. Most spas are having a lot of specials right now, thanks to the economy. You can find excellent prices on massages and, if the price is still too high, consider going in with a second, and maybe third, person.
  

• Spa services: Everyone likes to indulge from time to time, whether it's a facial, a manicure or some other grooming service. I'm a big fan of Salon Wish because it's so customizable. Gift certificates are good for any service (often, including massage) at any of the 4,000 participating salons nationwide. Potential discount: If you through Ebates, you get 6 percent cash back -- plus a $5 bonus if you're a new Ebates member.

• Music: Concert tickets -- or a Ticketmaster gift card -- will give a singular experience. Get tickets or a season pass for the opera or symphony. (In a similar vein, play tickets are a great gift, too.) Or simply give the gift of downloads: iTunes. Potential free gift: Swagbucks offers $15 iTunes cards and $50 Ticketmaster cards.
  

• Museums: Some places just beg for more than one visit. A museum, zoo, or aquarium pass will mean repeat entertainment, which is great if you know someone trying to live frugally. These places also tend to have special installations that change during the year, so the collection isn't the same time and time again.
  

• Adventure: Know someone who likes the outdoors or trying new things? There are plenty of fun, adventurous programs out there: kayaking, white-water rafting, horseback riding, etc.

• Movies: Almost everyone likes movies, but it's hard to justify the $10 tickets these days. A gift card will let the recipient see some films on the big screen -- or afford some popcorn. cards. Potential free gift: Coke Rewards offers AMC Theatre tickets (plus a free large soda). Regal Cinema gift cards are available through MyPoints -- or buy them through Amazon.com, using gift certificates from MyPoints and Swagbucks.
  

• Dining: It's always wonderful to have someone cook for you. But, again, the expense can be a problem. So get restaurant gift cards. Potential free gift: Almost all rewards programs offer these. (For Swagbucks, you have to get Amazon.com GCs, then use those to buy restaurant gift cards.) But there is a non-rewards program way, too. Bring in a new or transferred prescription to Rite Aid or CVS (or some grocery stores) during special promotions, and you will receive a free gift card. These are usually for $10-25. Use that card to buy something from the gift card kiosk.
  

• Rentals: Okay, well there's the obvious gift card to BlockBuster. But you can also buy gift subscriptions from Netflix or Blockbuster Online. You can buy 1 month or more, and give the gift of home entertainment. Don't forget that there are also video game rental services, such as GameFly. If you know someone with a disability -- especially one that causes fatigue -- this sort of thing can be a great way to avoid trips out and late fees.
  

• Gaming: Have an Xbox 360 player on your list? You can buy gift cards for Xbox Live. These come in the form of points (which players use to buy special equipment or to download games) or a subscription, which lets players access online content and play with other Xbox Live users around the world. Potential free gift: Swagbucks offers Xbox Live points cards. MyPoints offers GameStop gift cards, and you can use that to buy points in the store. Amazon.com sells both Xbox Live points and subscriptions. Get Amazon GCs through MyPoints or Swagbucks.
  

• Classes: I mainly think of things like yoga or aerobics. You can, of course, buy things like cooking classes (though I'd be careful of misinterpretations on that one) or language courses. Perhaps a creative writing class to help an aspiring author hone his or her craft. Don't forget that there are plenty of affordable classes at Joann Fabrics or Michael's. Tell the recipient to choose a class the two of you can attend, and the materials and class costs are on you!
  

None of these ideas will leave physical clutter behind. (Except, perhaps, your Joann class if you knit a scarf or sew a skirt.) But the lack of something tangible doesn't diminish the gift's value. It creates a memory (preferably, a good one) which will last a lot longer than some chotchke you picked up at a crafts fair. And there's no need to find room to store or display it.


Of course, this is hardly an exhaustive list. Feel free to share your own ideas here!

Who actually gives a car as a gift?

Two more days, folks. That's all we get until it's officially the mad rush for Christmas/winter holiday shopping. Okay, let's be honest -- it's all pretty much geared toward Christmas.


I'm not the biggest fan of crass commercialism to begin with. But the severe onslaught of ads are nearly painful. We're all pummeled with the commercials touting the latest stuff we need. (Perhaps most annoying is that so much of it does seem cool -- or at least enchantingly shiny.)


Still, I save my true hatred for the ridiculous luxury commercials. You know the ones: A husband surprises his wife with some pricey jewelry (ie, $500-1,000... or maybe more) or a shiny new Lexus or Mercedes. (It's never a Hyundai or Kia. I guess if you're going to go big, you should at least get some leather seats -- with seat warmers -- for your trouble.)


The jewelry, I guess I understand. I still think that's a lot of dough to put on one present (and it's never the only present the woman gets, is it?) but assuming you keep the price reasonable, I suppose you could sock away enough money over time to "surprise" her. Although I wonder if most men don't just put it on a credit card, like a true American, and worry about paying for it later.


The thing is, once you're a couple, it's hard to buy big presents without letting your spouse know just how much you spent. And that can be a bad thing. Especially if your spouse is as uptight about money as I am. (Tim, stop nodding!)


Of course, I have always kind of wondered about gift-giving in serious relationships. If you are pooling most of your resources, how much is your partner or spouse actually "buying" you a gift? It seems like (s)he gets all the good credit for purchasing something, even though it was probably bought with funds from both people.


I know that's terribly unromantic. Perhaps I'm just too much of a control freak (Tim, you're nodding again) to really enjoy a large "surprise" gift. I can't really imagine being 100% delighted by the notion that hundreds of dollars of our money got spent by you, without my getting any input -- and that I'm supposed to be grateful for it.


That's why I have a particularly hard time understanding the ads where a car sits in the driveway with a big bow on it.


The inner nit-pick in me piles on the practical concerns:

• How did it get there without her noticing?
  
• Wouldn't she have heard it pull into the driveway?
  
• Did the car company deliver it in the middle of the night?
  
• How would they know when she's asleep and it's safe?
  
• Does that mean the husband gets a walkie-talkie and gets to say things like "The bear is in hibernation" and "Roger" and "Over"?
  
• And, most importantly, who ties that bow, and how does it stay so perfect overnight?

But those are questions probably best left for another day. For now, let's keep the focus on finance, where the real puzzle is how anyone ever manages to surprise a partner with such a big purchase.


Yes, I know some couples have separate accounts. But does anyone keep accounts so separate that they can afford a down payment for a car -- let alone the whole cost -- without arousing suspicion?


Let's face it: More couples have joint accounts than separate ones. I really have no idea how you'd sneak out more than a thousand or two without arousing suspicion. Heck, in most households, getting more than $200 could land you in a pretty big argument.


Another thing to consider? You're not really buying a car. You're buying debt, albeit in a very attractive form. (And most debt won't get 0 to 60 so quickly! Unless you're talking about a credit card's APR.)


So all that money you spent on your thoughtful gift? That was just an introduction to more spending. In all likelihood, you just bought yourself at least two years' worth of monthly payments. Plus your insurance will go up since you have a new car.


Oh, and let's not forget the leverage lost when the salesman finds out it's a gift. If you're buying something that important, you're probably sticking to one specific car type that your partner wants. That means the salesman knows you're unlikely to walk away.


It also means you'll be hard pressed to deny a lot of the extras. No one really wants to say, "Merry Christmas! Look how generous I am! Oh, but on-board GPS was extra so I told them not to bother."


So to sum up:

1. You just took thousands of dollars away from our other goals.
2. You spent money that we earned together.
3. You didn't let me in on the bargaining process
4. You didn't have many bargaining options, so you probably didn't get a great deal.
5. You've increased our overall debt levels.
6. And now we have to add monthly payments to our budget.

And you want to get credit for this as a good thing?




Has anyone ever even met a person who got a car as a present? Does this kind of thing really happen? And what's the biggest gift you ever got from a partner or spouse?

Holiday paranoia & other fun traditions

Well, it's officially the holidays.


Can I tell this from the lights all around? The near omnipresence of the word "Christmas"? The bell-clanging Salvation Army volunteers?


Okay, all that helps, sure. But what really tips me off that Christmas is here is my annual panic.


Tonight, I wrapped most of Tim's presents (read: all the ones that have arrived). As I looked at the stack, the only thought passing through my little head was, "THIS ISN'T ENOUGH!"


It was pure, undiluted panic. A small voice in my head told me I had been thrifty to a fault. That I had avoided spending and, in the process, short-changed Tim on presents.


The stack of gifts looked meek and unassuming. It looked vastly inadequate. The feeling was so strong, I nearly jumped onto the computer to start plotting what else I could afford.


It was all I could do to keep from dashing out the door, credit card in hand, and materialism unchecked. Instead, I focused on calming down and tried to visualize the list. When I had looked at the list, the items seemed like enough. But as covered, unknown shapes, the offerings seem paltry.


I also reminded myself that a couple more gifts are due -- this wasn't everything. Somehow, though, I doubt the additions will make the panic vanish. Especially since this happens every year, regardless of how many gifts I have.


What is it about covering gifts -- which should add mystery and inherent value -- that makes an otherwise worthy pile seem downright miserly?


Is it that I've simply internalized the retailers' message that love equals material possessions? Is it because I am always careful about staying on a budget, even for holiday shopping? Is it a fear of disappointing people? Or is it simple guilt because I'm excited to receive gifts, and I'm trying to overcompensate with generosity?


Honestly, I don't know. Probably each plays at least a small role.


Unfortunately, I think a large part is that I've been sucked into the rampant materialism of the season. I sometimes forget that Tim knows I love him, regardless of the presents I give. I forget that presents aren't about proving your love for those close to you. It's about showing generosity and thoughtfulness because you love them.


The other big part is that I like giving people gifts. I enjoy the surprise and happiness that come when the recipient unwraps the presents. It's fun, and it's great to be able to show people that you care about them and know them well enough to get them what they want. The fact that we can't afford a whole lot right now, well it's frustrating.


Of course, it's not exactly fun to live carefully all the time. But during the holidays, when so many gadgets and clothes and books and jewelry are dangled in front of us, it's a major shackle. Yes, there is an element of fun in figuring out crafty ways to afford gifts: DIY, MyPoints, shopping sales.


But, by and large, it's irritating to be forced to scale back, to separate what I would like to give to Tim from what I can afford to get him.


And when every other Sunday ad features a $200-$400 gaming system, I just get so frustrated. Together, Tim and I may spend $400 on all our gifts. To spend it on just one? It's hard not to be jealous.


So is that all there is to the holiday-gift anxiety? I doubt it. I'm pretty sure everyone has at least one moment of similar panic. Even those people who do get the $400 gaming systems.


Maybe they've just internalized the materialism more than I have. Or maybe we are all just neurotic. I'm not sure there is a clear source of this panic. Or an obvious way to avoid it.


Rather, I'll simply have to win the lottery. That way, when the panic strikes, I can have the driver take me out to buy more -- which I'll call 'propping up the economy.' Or, if I'm too tired, I can send my personal assistant out for me. Heck, if I'm rich enough, I bet they'd bring the store to me (or, at least, parts of it).